Philosophy

Relationship Anarchy: Designing Without Rules

Explore relationship anarchy principles where every connection is negotiated from scratch without default hierarchies or assumptions.

⏱️8 min read📂Community & support

Key Takeaways

✓Relationship anarchy rejects prescribed relationship escalators and default rules.
✓Every connection is valued on its own terms, not ranked against others.
✓RA requires exceptional communication skills and comfort with uncertainty.

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What is relationship anarchy?

Relationship anarchy (RA) is a philosophy that applies anarchist principles to intimate relationships. It rejects the idea that romantic or sexual relationships should automatically be more important than friendships, or that any relationship type comes with default rules.

In RA, every relationship is built from the ground up based on what the people involved actually want, rather than following a pre-set template. There is no assumed escalator path (dating → exclusive → cohabitation → marriage) unless all parties actively choose it.

No default hierarchyA close friend might be as central to your life as a romantic partner.
Custom agreementsEach relationship has its own negotiated boundaries and expectations.
Reject labels as limitsCategories like "partner" or "friend" describe, not prescribe.

Core RA principles

While relationship anarchy is anti-prescriptive by nature, several principles commonly guide practitioners.

Love is abundantCaring for one person does not diminish your capacity to care for another.
Autonomy firstEach person is the expert on their own needs and makes their own choices.
Reject ownershipPeople are not property; jealousy is examined rather than enshrined in rules.
Question assumptionsWhy do we assume X about relationships? Is it serving us?
Embrace changeRelationships evolve; letting go of fixed expectations allows organic growth.

RA in practice

Practicing RA does not mean having no boundaries or commitments. It means those boundaries and commitments are consciously chosen rather than assumed.

Many RA practitioners still have deeply committed, long-term relationships. The difference is that commitment is actively renewed rather than locked in by social convention.

☐Identify what you actually want from each relationship, separate from social expectations.
☐Communicate openly about needs without assuming others share your assumptions.
☐Revisit agreements regularly as people and circumstances change.
☐Practice comfort with uncertainty and letting relationships find their natural shape.

Challenges and considerations

RA is not for everyone. It requires high tolerance for ambiguity and excellent communication skills. Partners who prefer more structure may find RA anxiety-inducing.

Practical matters like cohabitation, finances, and legal protections still need addressing. RA practitioners often create custom solutions for these logistical needs.

💡 Tips

Start with one relationship to explore RA principles before expanding.
Be patient with partners who are new to non-hierarchical thinking.
Build a support network of friends who understand or practice RA.
Keep a journal to track how your understanding of relationships evolves.

🎯 Quick Actions

Put this knowledge into practice with these actionable next steps:

1Read "The Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy" by Andie Nordgren.
2Create a relationship map that does not rank connections by type.
3Identify three assumptions you hold about relationships and question their origins.

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